Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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