Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he was CRYING into my vagina
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
