I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
