I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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