i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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