I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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