Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The Olympian is in my bed
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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