i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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