You just made me feel so damn special
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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