she woke up with a sticky ear
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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