Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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