Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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