It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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