Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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