yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
