You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This toilet bowl is my home.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
