I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
