my soul wont recognize me after tonight
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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