i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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