It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
