Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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