Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
that is very illegal...i love you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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