Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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