sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
