i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
