Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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