Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
