nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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