just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
