My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
