Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
