Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
