connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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