There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
