Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
