Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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