Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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