Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
