I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
