i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
