why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
