You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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