I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
