there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
