just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
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just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
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I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.