I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts