i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
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It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits