cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.