shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?