I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.