The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
