then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
