I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
