you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
