Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
