I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
