it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
