Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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