She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
