I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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