I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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