Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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