I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
